Update:Things haven't been any better,I had been in withdrawal for the last several days.Just triggered by that same anime I always compare to.I just can't take how fucking trapped I am!I try too hard,and I just see no fucking reason to even go beyond high school.With all the fucking reality there is I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I CAN EVEN LEGALLY PUBLISH MY WORK WITHOUT SOME ASSES POSSIBLY GOING TO SUE ME OR WORSE CONDEMN ME.Also considering the hell of having to do all that extra overseas shit just to become a mangaka-I can't think about even going through the rest of my life.I had been institutionalized before,traumatized.And my therapist has been nothing but shit,combined with my ignorant family who cares only about school rather than anything fucking else.I just,fucking ITS TOO MUCH!The fucking pressure is just rendering my mind a mess.I just can't take it,it's like being ironed down and becoming mentally crazy!I'm being fucking tortured daily by this downward spiral that I can't fucking escape.I love my characters and stories and I really don't want to leave them behind but whats the POINT if i can't bring them to life without someone possibly sueing me for poses!Or some other shit.
I am personally sorry,to everyone.Im up writing this and am only two days from my senior year but.I had made the decision that on the day of my graduation,starting from today.I....will eventually decide to end my life on the exact day that I may graduate.I can no longer stand this misery and self abuse,my own body has been suffering from my stress and my conditions mentally are not helping.A lot of people gave me support but,...I can't do it.This life of an artist is a blessing and a curse.I cannot stand this shit anymore and its destroying me.How do people even create art this way if it's all tracing this or copying that.I cannot find a way to express myself and thats ultimately the one thing I feel that is tying me down and will not let me go.
To start let me tell you why,I am 17 this year I had been on DA for quite awhile done some commissions for people.I was aspiring to become a comic artist and had written a series of story starting at a very young age,up until this year I struggled hard and im sure other artists were in the same boat.Up until now,I was pretty happy until this whole thing about art plaigurism and tracing and all that.As i read articles after articles I was discouraged further, This is where the problem started.I was confused on the grey area of poses,how to use them,and in fact I was so genuinely determined to produce my own story line and characters,which worked all the way up till now.One character I realized which I didn't until I read an anime wikia page although I didn't watch the anime I saw pictures and I checked the girl out.She shared the same hairstyle,and only similar traits are the split personality and the whole I want to die cliche but I knew he characters were different,so why am I so upset?Well,it has to do with drawing it out.As I read the legality of copyright I was sure I wasn't doing anything over the line until it comes to the whole tracing and plagiarizing section.I wanted to use the pose but I tried to rework some of my own style into my characters and I even drew every weapon and magic circle with my own imagination.I thought maybe If i don't look at the pictures and use my own head and body maybe It would be a bit different.My struggles caused me to be extremely stressed under this condition.Still I want to use the same cliche poses the generic,standing in explosion or smirk expressions.BUT i don't know how it fits with the legal terms.Am I somehow ripping off of something when there's about 12 more pictures that have the same expression or pose?I don't know one thing about this I don't understand is.So you're expecting me not to draw anything because technically almost every pose and expressions is used in so many generic ways in manga it's impossible to suddenly invent a new one.I can draw them hugging in one way but bam suddenly I find another one with the same pose and now I'm liable for charges for infrigment. I can't handle this,I want to get my story out there,through my creativity at least I want somebody who is able to clearly tell me what I am doing.Is it cliche or am I doing something wrong. My own family doesn't help me with this,my personal therapist doesn't think it's a big deal but considering my expression and my whole dream rests on my books.I can't imagine not being able to draw for a day or think of something and type out my stories and sharing it.I can't imagine writing a light novel of it and not drawing it out.But with the threat of being sued and getting jail time,its always that dark corner that says "well,just don't draw then".I don't want that I rather die than wanting to give up my dream and living with loneliness and emptiness.To everyone who knows me,I don't want to die,I want to get my story out there,I don't want to suffer to be sued for so many millions just for a couple expressions or poses that I do in my own style.But I have a sense to tonight,It might not happen.Alternatively I might make it to the storywriting for film industry but thats not truly what I want.
Imagine somehow being restricted of your ability to do greater.I can't imagine doing anything else with my life,but what can I do?Law is the law.It might be me misunderstanding,but if I had to choose throwing away my story and hardwork,maybe not publishing it and not selling it just to get the story out there and maybe dedicating it to all those who inspired me but still,it's not the same as just trying to do what you like to do in life.I know morally what is right or wrong,im not advocating for tracing or copying because i'm the one who's still unclear what it is still.But to pull a few facts,even some professionals were caught or at least rumored to be and to think that they are sucessful yet they suddenly lose their license...it frightens me.I'm discouraged basically almost crying myself to sleep,stressed and almost self neglecting.I can't take it.....it's like...oh hey I drew things out of my head....send manuscript and after it's published[if it ever happens] bam,hey you sort of have a similar pose and this looks sort of traced with the hands,feet,face expression so i'm going to sue you for millions of dollars you can't afford and land you in jail.Serves you right. That vision horrifies me.And now I am stuck,do I continue to draw or should I just stop.I can't do either.....The only way out is out of it all.I can't live my dream I'm practically dead inside,what else is there to me?No one knows my struggles,what I have been through hell these past few days I have constant stomach pain,inability to sleep,and loss of appetite.I had been sicker than I was before.This hell of despair is a parasite and I can't live with it.To be honest ,I saw the cases of the whole plaigurism scandel with the bleach manga and to be honest I thought it was a pretty accurate case.But I don't know anymore.I love my story,my characters,I spent my own time and effort to make them my own,spent the time to come up with their design and have not used many pictures at all for references[except for how hairstyle works] .Day by day I spent my dedication pouring my own heart into this story and now I'm so afraid,how this story is going to play out on paper,the poses,the whole scenario I just.I have not even seen the anime so how in the hell without pictures that I can even somehow infrigment on others when I havent even explicitly drawn from their pictures.I just drew what was in my head,and from the wooden mannequins I owned to the best of my abilities.But still striking similarities in my eyes.....whatever.After senior year,I'm gone...I don't know how I will go.But I want to end it all so bad.Unless any so called miracles happen which will not.Who can live on with this suffering?Aside from all this,the constant yelling and screaming at my household,my own mental suffering, the slim chance that I will ever feel happiness from my own expression which is now apparently barred by the laws which I find ironic considering US is about freedom to all?Not really now that I think about it.i don't have a lot of...support.Sure I owe up till now the support of this one friend
she's amazing.I wish I didn't have to tell her this,and I don't intend to.Apparently once you decided to kill yourself and let everyone know everyone suddenly wants to stop you.No,not this time.I'm not telling,not until the day comes.I'm sorry everyone.I wish I can continue happily drawing but reality hits me already,how do I imagine to live on.I can imagine a mother grieving but my mother?Last time I pulled this she scoffed and told me to kill myself anyways,it's my life.Well you're right mom.It's my life that's why I'm making my choice.Goodbye~ Kanade Sonya[Real Name; Sunny Zeng]